Yes, You May Call Me a Pawn

I pretend that I’m visiting from out of town. I am on vacation for the summer, sitting upon the terra-cotta deck overlooking a large lake full of boats going wherever the wind takes them. Blue sky and linear clouds just beyond my reach, thoughtfully sorted apart and timely covering the sun each time I get just warm enough to settle in. As though it’s not enough, to remind me of the oncoming season change, I am starting to believe that the shade beckons the north wind. It softly grazes my exposed skin with hints of autumn coolness.

By day it is mid 70’s, by night its twenty degrees cooler, which is best to sleep in. With such dramatic temperature changes, it makes this time of year crave the warmth again, yet mournful knowing bitter cold is nearing. Many love winter here, but I do not share their interest. I like winter for a couple weeks, maybe even a month. But, that is all. In my 30’s, I spent winter vacations flying cross country out of hot temperatures, into snow and ice festered land. Two weeks of bitter cold and I couldn’t wait to return to thaw out.

Dear God, why did you bring me back here? I’ve asked that question so many times, still waiting an answer. But, as much as I want Him to answer, I already know why. It’s for the then, bringing His light into lives that needed it. And all the while pushing me to be transformed even more so than I was. It’s for the now, where into year three of caregiving for my grandmother, who needs companionship. It’s for persevering and relying on God to provide all that I need in theses times of joy and trials, most difficult heart wrenching happenings of family members and love. I am part of His plan, moved back and forth to wherever He delights. Yes, you may call me a pawn.

But, keep in mind, I am not just any pawn. I am His. And even times when I rear my ugly head at what He’s doing, I am still His.

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